Pause
by Zuryu
Summary: Shepard keeps an audio diary to work through the stress of losing two years of her life. My first fanfic. One-shot for now. Rated T for safety.


**This is my first piece of fiction writing, period, or at least since I left school. It is un-beta-ed and I am sure there are some consistency errors to do with the past and present tense**. **Constructive criticism is welcome, though please be gentle.**

**This is an audio diary of my Commander Shepard starting just after she boards the Normandy SR-2, in ME2. One-shot for now, but may continue later. I do not own Mass Effect or any of the character etc; they belong to Bioware.**

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Start recording… It's the… umm… EDI, what is date is it today?

It is the ninth of February 2185. Also Mr. Moreau says we will be docking at Omega in half an hour.

Thank you, EDI.

Logging you out, Shepard.

It's the ninth of February 2185. It doesn't seem real saying that. I don't remember 2184 at all, and 2183 seems like it was only yesterday. For me I guess it was, but it's hard when no one else agrees with your reality.

I always hated keeping diaries when I was a kid, but Ms. Chambers suggested that I record some of my thoughts to try to work through what has happened. I suppose it would be easy to assume that dying would have a negative effect on someone's personality, although I doubt she has any previous cases to make reference to.

Ok, so what has happened? I guess I am still trying to figure that out. Part of me expects that I will just wake up, back in my old life. Oh God, I hope I wake up soon.

Pause.

Resume recording.

As to what has happened, let me try and establish what I know and work from there. I was on the Normandy SR-1, sitting at my desk in my quarters, going over some rather dry maintenance reports. We had been cruising up and down that sector of space for several days, searching for any signs of Geth. Sigh… I knew they were not the real threat, but I also knew that I had to find a way to appease the council in hope of their support, and my duty as a Spectre was to them. Granted that I also had no idea where to start looking for anything that could help us against the Reapers, so I guess targeting the Geth was the best, or make that only thing we could do at the time.

…

Apart from the usual disturbances that you would expect in the Terminus systems, it had been pretty quiet and I wasn't expecting anything like what… what happened. There was the sound of an explosion, followed by screams and people shouting. I jumped up and ran to the door; the normally dark interior of the Normandy was now lit up by the light of several fires around me. I ran to the nearest terminal that wasn't in flames and tried to make sense of what was happening; the data was sketchy at best. All I could tell is that we where under attack from some unknown cruiser, and losing badly.

I knew that I had to get a distress beacon out if we were to have any hope of rescue, but every second that went by I was losing hope that we could save the ship. Every few seconds the ship was rocked by another hit from the cruiser's weapons. Liara came running up behind me just as I launched the distress beacon… I was so happy to see her, even in those extreme circumstances, just to know she hadn't been hurt in the initial attack.

…

She had meant everything to me, and still does. I just… I wish she had been there when I woke up. It probably sounds stupid, but I feel like I have abandoned her for these past two years; I was the one who brought her into this life of fighting, death and pain, and then all of a sudden she is alone in it without me to protect her. And now the stupid Illusive Man tells me she can't be trusted. I've known him for two minutes and I'm expected to trust him, and yet the person I've been to hell and back with can't be trusted. CRASH...

…

Pause.

Resume recording.

Ok, so maybe Ms. Chambers is right, maybe I do need to work through some of this stress…

So… where was I? Umm… oh yes, the attack. I told Liara to get the rest of the crew on the escape pods; she wanted to stay. I knew it was because of me, but I needed her to be strong, just like she had on Noveria when facing her mother. I eventually convinced her to go and I started to make my way through the ship to Joker.

It was quite heartbreaking to see the ship in such a damaged state. It had been my home for several months and I had got used to the familiar spaces, the subtle angles of the light and as Tali had once pointed out the silence. Oh sure this new Normandy, humph n-e-w N-o-r-m-a-n-d-y, is silent too, but it is amazing how the sound of silence can change. It's not the same and will never be the same, and maybe one day it won't matter, but I do hate how much the world has changed in such a short time.

I had reached Joker in the cockpit. He was still holding out hope that somehow the ship could be saved; I could tell it was getting to the point of desperation however. I knew how much the ship meant to him, but I also knew that the ship could be rebuilt, whereas he couldn't… Ok, so they did rebuild me, but I am guessing that is a one time thing that they are not going to do for everyone. Guess I should feel privileged… I don't…

Ah, Commander, we will be arriving at Omega in ten minutes.

Thanks, Joker. I'll be right there.

…

It's weird, it seems based on what Joker told me that the Alliance blames, at least in part, him, but I never even thought to blame him. Even now, talking about the possibility, I don't blame him. I risk my life everyday with this job and I am not about to blame others for the dangers. Besides I would have done the same for any of my crew; they were… are my family.

Pause.

Resume recording.

I got Joker to the escape pod and I was trying to get in myself, when the cruiser attacked again, knocking me away from the door. I chose to eject the escape pod and was blown away from the ship by the explosions. I tried to remain calm. That is until I realised there was a leak in my suit. I guess I should be thankful that I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember was the first time I woke up in the Cerberus facility.

Well, I should be going now, things to do, galaxy to save. That and I haven't eaten in two years. I'll finish this another time.

Stop recording.


End file.
